• What will history remember more? Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, or Gavin DeGraw vs Jaleel White?

    May 3rd, 2012

  • Question for the ladies: Late-onset back hair… as sexy as I hope? #FingersCrossed

    May 2nd, 2012

  • People always ask me: “WHY?! OH GOD WHY?!!?” Mostly at the beach.

    May 1st, 2012

  • This is my actual PIN number: http://t.co/L0WL3tLD

    Apr 30th, 2012

  • Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

    Apr 29th, 2012

  • My poker tell is a 3-state murder spree.

    Apr 28th, 2012

  • Siri, what is the location of “my misspent youth?”

    Apr 27th, 2012

  • Tonight on #Conan, Jack Black and I fight to the death. Or chat about his latest project. Check It out: http://t.co/JAl0raZ9

    Apr 27th, 2012

  • I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

    Apr 25th, 2012

  • Take a moment to thank the veterans of our many Storage Wars.

    Apr 24th, 2012

  • I sure hope TMZ doesn’t put up that footage of Angela Lansbury kicking my ass in a road rage incident.

    Apr 23rd, 2012

  • Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace?

    Apr 22nd, 2012

  • Just heard the craziest recording of Mel Gibson speaking in calm and measured tones.

    Apr 21st, 2012

  • 30% of all web traffic is porn. That number climbs up to 70% if you count those of us who masturbate to LOL Cats.

    Apr 20th, 2012

  • I saw Rick Santorum on the news today. He was making sure a pregnant pause reached full term.

    Apr 19th, 2012

  • I play a pivotal role in the new #Halo4. I'm trusting all of you not to harm my defenseless character. #NaiveBoob http://t.co/SuEIIOXE

    Apr 18th, 2012

  • Tonight on #Conan, @Andy_Richter and I debut our pivotal characters in the new #Halo4.

    Apr 18th, 2012

  • Looks like I’m getting back one chicken leg and 4 golden Sacagawea coins. I probably shouldn’t do my own taxes.

    Apr 16th, 2012

  • My wife won’t see the new Three Stooges movie with me. She’s still mad they didn’t go with Shemp.

    Apr 15th, 2012

  • The North Korean missile test has failed. Video here: http://t.co/HcVVmgiB

    Apr 14th, 2012

  • Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 5.4 million Twitter followers as dependents?

    Apr 13th, 2012

  • The 2nd season premiere of Eagleheart airs tonight at Midnight on @AdultSwim. I'd watch, but I have no other plans.

    Apr 13th, 2012

  • Actually both. That IS a tube of Chapstick in my pocket AND I'm glad to see you.

    Apr 12th, 2012

  • There are two kinds of Mexican restaurants. Those that serve fresh authentic cuisine, and ones that serve the cheap, greasy junk I love.

    Apr 11th, 2012

  • Katy Perry has a new 3-D concert movie coming out. Nope. No joke to make there.

    Apr 10th, 2012

  • President @BarackObama claims to be a Trekkie. But where’s the proof? Why won’t he release his fan fiction?

    Apr 9th, 2012

  • My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

    Apr 8th, 2012

  • I refuse to play the Masters Tournament until Augusta National admits women. I encourage all other non-golfers to do the same.

    Apr 7th, 2012

  • Just saw a lame white guy lip-synching a Jay-Z song as I drove past the mirror store.

    Apr 6th, 2012

  • They can see every man's bald spot and down every woman's blouse. THAT'S why giraffes are always smirking.

    Apr 5th, 2012