• What will history remember more? Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, or Gavin DeGraw vs Jaleel White?
  • 历史会更多的记住什么?穆罕默德·阿里对比乔·弗雷泽,或加文德哥如对比贾里尔白色?
  • May 3rd, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • People always ask me: “WHY?! OH GOD WHY?!!?” Mostly at the beach.
  • 人们总是问我:“为什么?!天啊为什么?!!?”大多数时候是在海滩。
  • May 1st, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.
  • 骗我一次,可耻的是我个人的傻瓜阻止者,雷金纳德。
  • Apr 29th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • My poker tell is a 3-state murder spree.
  • 我的扑克解读人是一个三个州的杀人狂魔。
  • Apr 28th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Siri, what is the location of “my misspent youth?”
  • Siri, “我挥霍的青春”在什么地方?
  • Apr 27th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.
  • 我今天早上在浴室照镜子,然后看到我爸爸在镜中看我。我们应该停止一起洗澡。
  • Apr 25th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Take a moment to thank the veterans of our many Storage Wars.
  • 花些时间来感谢我们许多存储战争的老兵。
  • Apr 24th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • I sure hope TMZ doesn’t put up that footage of Angela Lansbury kicking my ass in a road rage incident.
  • 我当然希望TMZ不播出在一个路霸事件中,安吉拉·兰斯伯里踢我屁股的镜头。
  • Apr 23rd, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace?
  • 为什么人们会为酒窖而惊叹,却为我的Jagermeister啤酒的小地方儿感到难过?
  • Apr 22nd, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Just heard the craziest recording of Mel Gibson speaking in calm and measured tones.
  • 刚听到梅尔·吉布森用平静和有节奏的语调说话的疯狂录音。
  • Apr 21st, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • I saw Rick Santorum on the news today. He was making sure a pregnant pause reached full term.
  • 我今天在新闻上看到里克·桑托了。他确定他要把他的产假休足月。
  • Apr 19th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Looks like I’m getting back one chicken leg and 4 golden Sacagawea coins. I probably shouldn’t do my own taxes.
  • 看起来我回到了一个鸡腿和4个金色萨卡加维亚硬币。或许我不应该做自己的报税。
  • Apr 16th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • My wife won’t see the new Three Stooges movie with me. She’s still mad they didn’t go with Shemp.
  • 我的妻子不愿意和我一起看那新的活宝三人组电影。她还是很生气他们没有和谢普一起走。
  • Apr 15th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 5.4 million Twitter followers as dependents?
  • 税务问题:这算不算技术上的欺骗,如果你声称你的五千四百万的推特粉丝是家属?
  • Apr 13th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • The 2nd season premiere of Eagleheart airs tonight at Midnight on @AdultSwim. I'd watch, but I have no other plans.
  • 第二季的Eagleheart的首演将在今晚午夜在@AdultSwim播出。我要去看,但是我没有其他的计划了。
  • Apr 13th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Actually both. That IS a tube of Chapstick in my pocket AND I'm glad to see you.
  • 事实上两个都是。那是一管唇膏在我的口袋,并且很高兴见到你。
  • Apr 12th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • There are two kinds of Mexican restaurants. Those that serve fresh authentic cuisine, and ones that serve the cheap, greasy junk I love.
  • 这里有两种墨西哥的餐馆。那些提供新鲜的真正的美食,和那些提供我爱的便宜,油腻的垃圾。
  • Apr 11th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Katy Perry has a new 3-D concert movie coming out. Nope. No joke to make there.
  • 凯蒂·佩里将会有一个新的立体演唱会电影上映。不,不准在那开玩笑。
  • Apr 10th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • President @BarackObama claims to be a Trekkie. But where’s the proof? Why won’t he release his fan fiction?
  • 总统@BarackObama宣称他是《星球旅行》影视剧的狂热爱好者。但是证据在哪里?为什么他不发行他的粉丝小说?
  • Apr 9th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.
  • 我妈妈总是每个复活节把蛋藏在相同的地方。。。我们当地超级市场的牛奶区域。
  • Apr 8th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • I refuse to play the Masters Tournament until Augusta National admits women. I encourage all other non-golfers to do the same.
  • 我拒绝参加大师赛,直到奥古斯塔承认女性。我建议所有的其他非高尔夫球员也做一样的事。
  • Apr 7th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • Just saw a lame white guy lip-synching a Jay-Z song as I drove past the mirror store.
  • 刚刚看到一个很衰的白人在对口型唱一首Jay-Z的歌,当我开过一个镜子商店的时候。
  • Apr 6th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • They can see every man's bald spot and down every woman's blouse. THAT'S why giraffes are always smirking.
  • 他可以看到每个男人的秃头的地方和每个女人的短袖衬衫。这就是为什么长颈鹿一直在傻笑。
  • Apr 5th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
  • There are over 2000 Applebee’s in this country, and I won’t rest until my photo hangs in every one.
  • 在这个国家有超过2000家的Applebee,我不会停止的,直到我的照片挂在了他们每一家店里。
  • Apr 4th, 2012retweet Retweet FB share
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